Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
