Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
