Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
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Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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