I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
organizing the empties. That sober.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
