Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
