I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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