Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
