Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize
