My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
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Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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