the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
