so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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