Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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