Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
