My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
