yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
