you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
