awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
