I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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