weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
