I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
