Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize