So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
