I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
