I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
