If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
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Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
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I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!