You made me cry and you don't even care
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.