i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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