I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
