don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
