I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
