i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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