i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
where does the pee come out of this thing
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
