Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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