I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Drunk is a universal language darling
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
