hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize