She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
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It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
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trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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