new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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