Please don't use social media to get back at me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
