i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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