Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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