This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
God, I missed his penis.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
