I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
