i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
