pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
