When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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