your parents love me but you hate me
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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