I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
