so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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