You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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