The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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