I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
