If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
