Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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