For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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