my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
