my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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