I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
