Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
