I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
